I am back from my little hiatus. I am going to continue with my posts based off of singular words. Just a heads up that I will be trying to incorporate some guest writers on my blog so that there is not such a lag between posts!
Today's word is enough. Before I talk about what my understanding and definition of that word is we are going to look to the dictionary. Dictionary.com gives 4 definitions for the word enough:
1. adequate for the want or need; sufficient for the purpose or to satisfy desire
2. an adequate quantity or number; sufficiency
3. in a quantity or degree that answers a purpose or satisfies a need or desire; sufficiently
4. fully or quite
I see a few commonalities in these definitions: sufficient and satisfy. Sufficient means " adequate for the purpose of; enough. competent."
I don't want to talk about having enough. I want to talk about BEING enough. Isn't that what we all want at some capacity? I know I do.
I cannot tell you how often I have felt like I am not enough; not good enough; especially in the past year. I did not realize though that every time I told myself that I was not enough; I was telling myself that I am not adequate, not sufficient not satisfying, and not competent.
Lets look at some of the 'situations' that I have recently questioned if I was enough:
I question if I am smart enough, strong enough, or even good enough to be a teacher. On a daily basis I have 31 precious minds and hearts counting on me to some capacity. In the midst of questioning if I am enough God revealed to me that I already had what these kids needed:Me. I love these kids with everything I am and I will do the work that it takes to nurture their hearts and minds. My love for them is enough, I am enough for these kindergartners.
Being a sister/daughter:
My family has been through a lot this year and I know that we have more ahead of us to go through. Sometimes I wonder if I am enough for my family. Am I helping my family through the bad times? Am I making things worse for them? It breaks my heart to see the people I love struggle but am I enough for them? I know the answer to this one, yes I am enough. My family loves me and like any normal family we will have our ups and downs. However, no matter what, my family is there for me and I am there for them. I am enough because I love my family and they love me.
As a friend:
Who am I kidding- I have the best friends out there who always love me, despite my shortcomings. I am a care taker, a nurturer, a little moma. I want to make sure that the people in my life are cared for and loved. I always want to make sure that I do everything I can to love on them and support them but sometimes I miss the power of presence. There have been times when I will ask one of my friends what I can do for them and their response is "Just continue to be here for me" Well, I certainly can do that. Being me and being present is enough. I am enough.
Okay.... here is the big one...
Am I enough for love?
Now I have already established that I am loved by my friends and family... This time I am talking about that romantic love. Am I enough for someone to love me? Can some one fall in love with me and accept who I am? the good, the bad and the ugly? This is the one that plagues me. I honestly question this. Am I smart enough to be loved? Kind enough? skinny enough? beautiful enough? strong enough? Is who I am enough to be loved? I think the answer is yes. I do know that it will take a very special person to love even the darkest parts of me but I know that such a person could exist and until I find him, I am just going to work on loving myself.
When I first sat down to write this post I was staring at a blank screen. I knew that I needed to write, I needed to make sense of a sliver of this world for a moment. I texted one of my friends and I told her that I didn't know if I had it in me to write something that meant something. She told me that I did. I do not know if this post will mean anything to any of you reading it but I do know that it means something to me. Once I started writing I realized something: I am enough. Some days I forget that but when I took time to look at some of those situations in question I came to the same conclusion. All I have to give is me and that is okay. I may not be everyone's cup of tea (or whatever their drink of choice is) but I have found people that love my kind of 'tea' and more of those people will come around.
Today I am thankful because I am me and I am enough.